He May Not Be So Bad: Five Fictitous Owners Who Would Make You Appreciate Rush Limbaugh

Lately all I’ve been hearing is how bad of an owner Rush Limbaugh would be.  Its not that I don’t think he would a bad owner, I just really think they are dramatically overplaying how bad of an owner he would be.  Over time Hollywood has brought us several owners that I’m sure would cause Rams fans and football fans alike to throw the biggest temper tantrums.  Lets take a look at them:

If there ever was a female Jerry Jones

If there ever was a female Jerry Jones

Name: Christina Pagniacci

Owner of: Miami Sharks

Christina Pagniacci.  She is the reason for the word (insert favorite insult here).  Based off of Cowboy owner Jerry Jones, Christina had a whole lot of power and she made sure everyone knew about it.  On several occasions she was in Al Pacino’s face telling him the many reasons why he was simply not capable of being the coach of the Sharks.  If only she would have tried that on Jim Haslett, she would have been punched so hard that.  That.  Well okay you caught me I don’t have a clever metaphor for you, but you get the point.

Quote: “No intensity, no victory!”

They said the Rams need to get younger, but this is ridiculous.

They said the Rams need to get younger, but this is ridiculous.

Name: Billy Heywood

Owner of: Minnesota Twins

Sure, a 12 year old running the team would be cool for the first couple weeks.  The Rams may actually get a mention on ESPN (a.k.a. the Eastern Sports Propaganda Network), but after that it would just be sad.  Can you imagine being a 6’5, 300 pounder taking advice from a kid who barely learned the capital of Missouri is Jefferson City.  Maybe its just the envy I would have if a pre-teen owned the Rams.  No, its definitely not that.  I promise.

Quote: If Joe can paint a house in three hours and Sam can paint the same house in five hours, how long will it take to paint it together?

That hair just screams "business"

That hair just screams "business"

Name: Jackie Moon

Owner of: Flint Tropics

You know, never mind.  Having Jackie Moon as the Rams owner would be absolutely awesome.  His “Everybody love everybody” would unite this team in a way never seen before and he is a genius in the field of marketing.  As far as risk taking he would be would never shy away from a challenge.  Where else will you find a man willing to offer free corn dogs to every fan, when he can’t even afford to buy a corn dog for himself?  Finally, the guy cares about his team.  He fought to the very end to keep the team from dissolving (which financially means you’ll cease to exist), even going as far to cuss out the league’s commisioner.  The only con, he would probably want to be the team’s quarterback, but can he really be much worse?  If Will Ferrell is half the owner Jackie Moon is, lets get him signed up.

Quote: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there’s a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Feel your heart freezing over? I know I do

Feel your heart freezing over? I know I do

Name: Rachel Phelps

Owner of: Cleveland Indians

The story would be all too familiar.  Rachel Phelps buys the team, makes the team bad enough for their attendance to drop below a certain amount, then move them to Miami.  Lucky for her, the middle man would be completely cut out and she really wouldn’t have to worry about assembling an aweful team, they took care of that for her.  She would definitely be just another unneeded nail in the coffin.

Quote: The fact is we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven’t won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven’t placed higher than fourth in the last fifteen.

He's the one on the right

He's the one on the right

Name: Edward O’Neil

Owner of: Washington Sentinels

O’Neil would be everything that is wrong with the NFL.  Throwing out huge contracts like they are candy is not healthy at all and ordering around a head coach is never the greatest way to keep a happy locker room.  You have to give it to him though, he did assemble the funniest group of replacement players ever and they actually won a few games.  If only we had Shane Falco.

Quote: Nobody likes a quitter, Jimmy.

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  • Paul

    It seems to me that all the negative vibes this blowhard (Rush Hudson Limbaugh A.KA. Jeff Christie) has been spewing over these many years has come back to blow back on his face (A classic “Blow Back”). He always tries to give off the airs that he can have anything he wants but as we all witness those with more money and more influence tossed him aside like sack of potatoes and the ultimate insult was that it was done in public (money don’t buy you everything butterball).

    Now of course he blames everyone else (Michael J. Fox, Perez Hilton, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Sonia Sotomayor, Hillary Clinton, Olympia Snowe, ESPN, NFL, the media, basically people of color, the handicapped, women and gays) when of course all you have to do is listen to his show and plainly hear his daily prejudices filled sermons. So NFL, I salute you decision, job well done. And to the whaling cry baby perched on his self made pedestal, quit your whining it was your own fault. Don’t we all feel better?

  • Ethan Novak

    Paul,

    Thanks for the feedback. I agree with you completely on your take of Rush Limbaugh. Never been a huge fan of the guy, the only thing I really didn’t like about the whole situation was when people who are not connected to the NFL at all attempted to tell the NFL how to handle the situation. Ever since I learned of the possibility that Faulk would be in on the bid rather than Limbaugh, I’ve been all for him stepping down.

  • Jerry

    Although I’m a conservative, I don’t care for Limbaugh. Be that as it may, however, I am really torqued at a bunch of hypocrites who, on one hand, decry his “prejudice” and point out he has (they say wrongly) advocated private organizations being able to choose whom they associate with, are basically saying what he espouses is correct. In other words, if you don’t think like me different rules apply. These people are at least as prejudiced, against those that criticize their philosophies, as those that they call “close-minded.” I agree that a bunch of people whose opinion shouldn’t count were jumping in on the decision.

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