Aug 16, 2014; St. Louis, MO, USA; St. Louis Rams cheerleaders perform during the second half against the Green Bay Packers at Edward Jones Dome. Mandatory Credit: Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Why The St. Louis Rams Suck... Apparently?

Calm down, Rams fans, this is obviously not our personal stance on the team we all love!

Every year, Deadspin unleashes their team-by-team “Why Your Team Sucks” series during the preseason. In each unveiling, they simply berate that team in a semi-humorous, last-switch attempt to draw in some extra clicks from angry fans before the mainstream and team-dedicated NFL sites steal all of their flame during the regular season. In fairness, they rip on every team in the league, from the defending Super Bowl champs down to the team that picked No.1 overall in the most recent draft.

So, what did they have to say about the St. Louis Rams?

Generic Southern coaching prototype Jeff Fisher, who hasn’t ever posted a winning record with this team, but is a steadying influence, or something. [...] Fisher has molded the Rams in the Titans’ image: unfathomably boring and built to pull off a lucky 10+-win season once every five years or so. Also, Gregg Williams is still here, and he is rocking the single worst facial hair dye job I’ve ever seen

Well, Jeff Fisher did take over a 2-14 squad, completely turn over the roster, and build them into a unit that has been able to compete in the toughest division in the NFL in only two seasons; including nearly hitting .500, despite playing with a backup quarterback for half of the 2013 regular season. He also has the best mustache in the league…

In terms of Gregg Williams, not sure where “still here” is coming from? Whoever wrote this piece should have done a little more research, considering Williams was turning the Titans’ 27th ranked defense from 2012 into one of the Top 15 units in the league last season.

Strike one in the “failure to research” department.

And lemme tell you something, Rams Twitter: You don’t get TWO hashtag mottos. You can’t defend your turf and be sack city. Pick one. Both mottos are outright lies anyway.

There is some validity to the “defend your turf” statement, particularly since the passing of the Greatest Show on Turf era. However, you would be hard-pressed to find another location more worthy than the St. Louis of being called “Sack City.” Over the last two years, the Rams have managed 105 sacks, easily the most in the NFL over that period. Not only are they returning every starter from their top defensive line unit from last year, they added Aaron Donald, the top defensive tackle prospect in the 2014 NFL Draft class.

Strike two.

On the football field, the Rams drafted an offensive tackle with the second overall pick and promptly moved him to guard, because it’s important to use your flashy top pick on a boring player and then shift him over to an even less influential position. They also brought in Kenny Britt, whose suspension history will nicely coincide with Bradford’s injury history.

Yes, the St. Louis Rams did, in fact, use the No.2 overall pick on an offensive tackle, then immediately move him into the interior. However, when you have, arguably, two Top 15 players at their respective tackle positions (i.e. Jake Long and Joe Barksdale), and literally no one on the roster capable of playing the left guard spot, it seems like a more than a sensible move. Moreover, “influential” is a fairly subjective term, and if Robinson can dominate on the interior, we doubt Sam Bradford, Zac Stacy, and the receivers depending on their quarterback to stay upright will be complaining too much.

Maybe, the Rams should have taken a “flashy” player, like Johnny Manziel, with that pick instead, right? How’s he doing in Cleveland, again…

Also, Kenny Britt’s  suspension history? While injuries have certainly plagued the belly-shirt sporting receiver over the last couple of years, Britt has been suspended for a grand total of… one game since 2009.

Strike three.

Also, they drafted the gay guy.


So, why might the St. Louis Rams “not suck,” according to the brilliant Deadspin writers?

The left side of the line is heavily fortified now. The defense has a handful of studs like Robert Quinn and Janoris Jenkins. And maybe Tavon Austin can spread his TDs out this season, instead of scoring them all against the Colts. This team could easily win 10 games… if they played in pretty much any other division.

Fair points. In fact, that might be the only halfway-intelligent paragraph that they were able to muster in their failed attempt at belittling the Rams, the city of St. Louis, and the larger socio-political happenings that are currently transpiring within the borders of Missouri.

If you want to see the full transcript of “Why The Rams Suck,” head over to Deadspin and take the hook on their click-bait. Feel free to drop some knowledge in their comment section. More importantly, head down to our comment section and let us know which parts you find to be the most egregious, laughable, or downright insulting!

Keep it classy, St. Louis.

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