He May Not Be So Bad: Five Fictitous Owners Who Would Make You Appreciate Rush Limbaugh


Lately all I’ve been hearing is how bad of an owner Rush Limbaugh would be.  Its not that I don’t think he would a bad owner, I just really think they are dramatically overplaying how bad of an owner he would be.  Over time Hollywood has brought us several owners that I’m sure would cause Rams fans and football fans alike to throw the biggest temper tantrums.  Lets take a look at them:

Name: Christina Pagniacci

Owner of: Miami Sharks

Christina Pagniacci.  She is the reason for the word (insert favorite insult here).  Based off of Cowboy owner Jerry Jones, Christina had a whole lot of power and she made sure everyone knew about it.  On several occasions she was in Al Pacino’s face telling him the many reasons why he was simply not capable of being the coach of the Sharks.  If only she would have tried that on Jim Haslett, she would have been punched so hard that.  That.  Well okay you caught me I don’t have a clever metaphor for you, but you get the point.

Quote: “No intensity, no victory!”

Name: Billy Heywood

Owner of: Minnesota Twins

Sure, a 12 year old running the team would be cool for the first couple weeks.  The Rams may actually get a mention on ESPN (a.k.a. the Eastern Sports Propaganda Network), but after that it would just be sad.  Can you imagine being a 6’5, 300 pounder taking advice from a kid who barely learned the capital of Missouri is Jefferson City.  Maybe its just the envy I would have if a pre-teen owned the Rams.  No, its definitely not that.  I promise.

Quote: If Joe can paint a house in three hours and Sam can paint the same house in five hours, how long will it take to paint it together?

Name: Jackie Moon

Owner of: Flint Tropics

You know, never mind.  Having Jackie Moon as the Rams owner would be absolutely awesome.  His “Everybody love everybody” would unite this team in a way never seen before and he is a genius in the field of marketing.  As far as risk taking he would be would never shy away from a challenge.  Where else will you find a man willing to offer free corn dogs to every fan, when he can’t even afford to buy a corn dog for himself?  Finally, the guy cares about his team.  He fought to the very end to keep the team from dissolving (which financially means you’ll cease to exist), even going as far to cuss out the league’s commisioner.  The only con, he would probably want to be the team’s quarterback, but can he really be much worse?  If Will Ferrell is half the owner Jackie Moon is, lets get him signed up.

Quote: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there’s a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Name: Rachel Phelps

Owner of: Cleveland Indians

The story would be all too familiar.  Rachel Phelps buys the team, makes the team bad enough for their attendance to drop below a certain amount, then move them to Miami.  Lucky for her, the middle man would be completely cut out and she really wouldn’t have to worry about assembling an aweful team, they took care of that for her.  She would definitely be just another unneeded nail in the coffin.

Quote: The fact is we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven’t won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven’t placed higher than fourth in the last fifteen.

Name: Edward O’Neil

Owner of: Washington Sentinels

O’Neil would be everything that is wrong with the NFL.  Throwing out huge contracts like they are candy is not healthy at all and ordering around a head coach is never the greatest way to keep a happy locker room.  You have to give it to him though, he did assemble the funniest group of replacement players ever and they actually won a few games.  If only we had Shane Falco.

Quote: Nobody likes a quitter, Jimmy.